i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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