He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
