Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
