Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
