I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
