Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
they need to just BURY HIM!
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
