I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I will pee on everything he values.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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