Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
