im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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