I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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