I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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