You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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