My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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