please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
