Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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