3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
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