Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
