You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
