she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
