youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
