I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just saw a hot homeless man
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
farters have to be the big spoon...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You pole danced in your parka.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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