im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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