I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
