The maid of honor just puked.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
cat food counts as protein by the way
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
