Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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