if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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