I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Drake has all the answers
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
