remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
