i wish there were pregnant emoticons
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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