For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
