I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
