I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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