guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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