Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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