she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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