So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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