Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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