you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
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You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
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So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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