my phone needs a breathalizer
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
