i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize