You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
