Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
