she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
