last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
