i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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