there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
sex in a hospital.. check
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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