I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
There r osticjed everywhere
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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