Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
