Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
