i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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