i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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