I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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