you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
