I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
