I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
