One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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