I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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