id be glad to
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
